Buying Memories

It’s so strange how I see a food and think “oh yes, that would be good to make” only to get it home and have it sit there, usually on the counter (or if it’s lucky, in the fridg) till it’s expiration date passed.  I would then throw it out only to see it a month or two later in the store and repeat the same process.  I couldn’t figure out what was up with that.  It suddenly hit me tonight while grudgingly making dinner for myself.  I say grudgingly because I really miss having someone cook for me.  Never mind that it hurt my feelings when he told me I wasn’t a good cook.  It was one of the things “we” did.  But, back to the subject.  Many of the items I buy are something I’ve never actually made myself.  They were things he cooked.  So I guess I was unconsciously trying to replicate a visceral loss and didn’t even realize it. 

I miss his cooking.  I miss going to nice restaurants.  I don’t mind penny-pinching, but I miss the going out and enjoying a well-prepared meal with someone who also appreciated it.  I hate that someone else gets to be cooked for and taken out to great restaurants and travel.  I don’t miss him, I miss the doing and the memories it created.  So here I am trying to buy memories back…memories which will no longer happen.