Valley of the Shadows

I don’t know if many people ever get to the dark rooms of depression that are so incapacitating that you stop caring for your surroundings.  We’ve all seen the news article about the elderly recluse who is found in their house, surrounded by piles of stuff and usually 30 cats or some other creatures.  One always wonders how they got there, at least I did.  I think it’s any number of life killing things such as waiting for a resoution (or such) over which they have no control, being alone, having no money, feeling unworthy of care or just clinical depression compounded by a feeling of no control.  It is crippling.  I’ve come to the realization that the older or younger you are the worse the results are.  Teens commit suicide.  The elderly “hole up” and wait for death.  I have tried to sort, file, put away; but after 34 years and several houses there is so much stuff.  The boxes of divorce papers alone fill about 18 cardboard file boxes.  I see them everyday as I wait for doltbrain to make the next move. 

The problem is that the motivation is very weak.  Why bother?  Who cares?  Yes, there are people reading this, rolling their eyes I’m sure but until you have walked in my shoes, you can not judge; you have no idea, no reference point at all.

I looked back over the year to see at what point hope was lost.  I think it was when Frost died.  It took time to set in, but as I said, it was the last dear thing from my former life that had kept me afloat and now I was sinking.  I started wondering if perhaps I needed another companion.  So many reasons not to…my life was still in limbo, etc., but it had been in limbo for four years now.  Was that really a reason to stop going on with living?  I decided that it wasn’t and so I've set out to find a new pet.