More Loss

I really wonder when all the losses will stop. This post began as a draft yesterday and finished today:

I think Frost is dying tonight.  I think I will die tonight. 

She was very "absent" all day.  Usually she comes in at least 4-5 times for "pets" and today only one.

She ate nothing.

We had 50+ mph winds today.  The patio umbrella blew over and other things were moved about.

I don't know if she was hit by something, but as the day wore on she was very distant. She napped out in the yard where she hasn't in ages.

I went out to give her the ham wrapped pill (for urinary incontinence) that she loved (because of the ham) and she had utterly no interest.

This evening she was on the porch sleeping and when the back porch (motion detector type) light went on I went out to check and found her sitting up and dazed looking.  Her eyes were very sunken (like Mimi's when I went to see her and drape her with flowers before cremation) and her breathing labored.  I insisted that she come into the house and oddly she went straight to her pillow which she hasn't done in months.  She stayed about 2 hours and then very slowly got up and went out on her porch pillow.

About an hour later I checked on her and she was out laying in the back yard. Her bowels had emptied in a state of total liquid all over the back porch, as she had tried to get to the grass.  After watching the end of "A Dog Named Christmas" (just what I didn't need) I went out and mopped up the mess, so she would be able to come back to her pillow on the porch.  I'm glad I did even if it was 11 pm.  By midnight she was on her pillow, but sadly looked even more vacant…eyes not focusing at all.  She had drooled a pool and so I put a towel under her chin and another over her since it was chilly and I just had a feeling she needed it.  I petted her for some time and said goodbye (I cry as I write this) because I really don’t know if she’ll be “here” in the morning.  I’d lift her head and there was no response.  I’d pass my hand before her eyes and no movement.  Only the most basics:  eyes blinked and breathing a labor.  I finally left her because she seemed to want to not be “bothered” by me. She was pretty far along in the process of dying. I don’t know what else to say.  I can’t take much more in the loss department.  It’s now 1:30 a.m. and before sending this with a prayer and going to bed, I’m going to check on her.

Well, she’s still breathing, but it seems to be tough.  She’s totally unresponsive to any movement before her eyes and can’t lift her head.  I want to stay with her, but know I can’t.  She needs peace.

The photo above is of Frost lazing on the patio last summer, being visited by a little lady bug. 

2:o6 AM

I was lying in bed, and suddenly had an overwhelmingly, alarming sense of the loss of Frost; to the point that I was suddenly crying and got out of bed to check on her. I was with her at the end. She was literally in the last stages and all that was left were a few nerve related attempts to breathe and jaw movements.

So her soul literally came and said good-bye to me.

An ill wind blew today and took my dog far away.

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