Holiday Lost

Christmas approaches.  I have no desire to engage in Christmas this year. When I left my house, I left most of the Christmas decorations. You see, doltoid always hated the whole process of decorating for the holiday. He enjoyed the gifts and a tree, if he didn’t have to go out with me and get it. In fact he always arranged for us to go away over Christmas and New Years. At first it was great fun, but I really missed seeing my family. Little did I realize this was all part of the unconscious isolating process of abuse. See, it’s so well disguised. How could you criticize a vacation to Hawaii or the Caribbean? After many years I just stopped buying any ornaments or decorations at the after-holiday sales. Why bother? I was never going to get to use them.

Then, after he sold his company and 9/11 happened, he changed. Suddenly he bought lights and put them up outside with no coaxing. He even suggested going and getting a tree. To top this off, he helped put the lights up! It was wonderful!

Over the years, I shopped yearlong for my husband’s holiday gifts, carefully tucking away any little hints about the things he would enjoy, the things he would love. I wanted him to open each gift, and laugh and smile at me, and say, “You remembered.” He didn’t. He enjoyed them but never deeply, in the way one would when they realized the thought and love put into each gift. Maybe I’m just a pathetic romantic.

The house I rent is too small for a tree. I gave away the Christmas tree stand to a neighbor. I didn’t need it anymore. I had so many boxes of holiday decorations from the last 6 years as well as the early years, each a piece of a day, an hour, a minute spent with him, I left most of it at the old house when I left. About a year ago, I had a tag sale and sold most of what was left. I said, “Take this, be happy,” but I knew I was selling myself. Each memory.

And now Frost is gone. G#@%*%@ doltoid and his #*@%& viagra.