Keep passing the open window…

Today's title is a line from the movie, Hotel New Hampshire (I think). It was an odd little movie but this line and its implied meaning have always stuck with me. The picture above is Frost as I'll aways remember her...a happy angel. She was only allowed on the sofa when I put an old sheet on it and it made her so, so happy! (...sniff....)

More thoughts...
As she left, I told her to say "hi" to my other angels and promise to look for me. I am so utterly empty. No one to wake me at 6 am with a “woo-woo-woo”. Or to “lecture” me about the fact that she had to wait even a minute before being let into the house.  No one nosing me for “pets” as I sit in my office at my computer. Like mom and dad, it was so sudden and unexpected. It is utterly devastating.  I am all alone now. No more "kisses" which she learned from Angel. It was the gentlest lick on the nose. And now it is gone. Forever.

I’m glad she died at her own accord and time. I really didn’t want to have to put her to sleep.  With her urinary incontinence, I was afraid I’d have to. I can’t believe there’s no one who will come in and check on me or try to train me (after 14+ years) to get her treats. I’ve had canine companions for the last 30 years and am not sure what to do other than call the pet crematory tomorrow and arrange for her final passage. I will then have 5 jars of ashes. I told my brother I want them buried along with me under the yellow magnolia tree.

I want to tell mom or dad.  But I can’t. I hope they’re hugging Frost. I just walk from room to room, catching myself going to look out and see what she's doing and then I remember. The pain is palatable. It's so much more than just her loss. She was the last vestige of a life now gone. She was the last little bit I had. Now I feel totally lost and adrift. No anchor, no compass, no stars to guide me. Drifting without direction in the lonely sea of emptiness. I'm so tired of it all.

The days and months of my life have become a field of land mines of loss.

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