Angels, Love and Grace

I haven't mentioned it much since I try to focus on more positive things in this blog, but in the last year my mental state and I have deteriorated. In past posts I've mentioned how, I lost the store and then Frost. That was the final kicker. As a result, the quality of living in this house has deteriorated. It's a case of too much stuff and me...we have a mutual stranglehold going on. Trying to fit 3000 square feet of stuff into an 800 square foot space is not possible no matter how much I stubbornly deny it. It's also governed by the fact that in the last 10 years I've had so many losses that I cling to things holding any memory like they're a life raft. When I try to organize any room in the house, I find myself stymied by the "domino effect".

The "domino effect" works like this:  I decide to clear off my desk, but before I can do that I have to empty out 3+ years of files, but to do that, I have to clear the pile off the rolling file cart so I can get to the files. However, I have no where to set the huge pile that I remove from the cart, so I'm stuck. Every room in this tiny rental has its own version of this effect which results in me freezing up and crawling back into bed. It is incredibly frustrating. The more I try, the more frustrated and stuck I become to the point I stopped caring. Have you ever felt like this? I never did. The divorce only accentuates the "stuck in limbo" feeling which adds to simply not caring any more.

Yesterday, two remarkable and very wonderful friends took an afternoon and came over. I really dreaded what they would think of me. But I was so far gone that I realized I no longer cared, I'd given up. These two angels worked at my shop with me before it closed and endured my back office disaster, so they know what they're dealing with. I think this is as close to unconditional love as one can get short of a dog! They spent 3 hours on the kitchen and part of the partially attached garage. They made order out of chaos and gently ordered me about so I always had something to do, but wouldn't be in their way.

Have you ever had an irrational attachment to something that you really had no use for any more yet could not pick up and dump in the garbage can? It's crippling. So while organizing the mess, they made several executive decisions and tossed a number of things whose time with me had expired, but which emotionally I didn't have the courage to part with. I discovered this both before and after they left and it was remarkably freeing! You have no idea what a gift it was! I wish I'd have taken before and after photos because it's that amazing.

Can you imagine having two people, not related to you, give that much of themselves? It's something that you just don't hear of anymore in this running-around-like-a-chicken-without-its-head world. It reminds me of a phrase I heard in the movie "Elizabeth" which I've watched numerous times and love. I believe it's actually from the bible and goes like this "this is the lord's doing and it is marvelous in our eyes". As you know if you read much of this blog, I feel that religious beliefs, if any, are a private thing but this "small" kindness was a miracle of grace visited upon me by the universe, god, or whatever force keeps this orb spinning in the sky. To be so blessed by anyone in this way is a rarity. I think the gifts of time, lack of judgement, and pure love are the most amazing things we can give anyone and I am so grateful for those two angels.

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