Happy Post

Yesterday I had to go to the dentist to get the permanent crown put on one of my back teeth. This is the pre-molar I managed to break on a single popcorn kernel. Let's see, the cost of one un-popped kernel of corn equals $1,200.00. Somehow that's just obscene. But there was nothing I could do to change it, so I just resigned myself to it.

Since the dentist is 20 minutes away on a good traffic day, I arrived early and wound up talking to the receptionist. She hadn't seen me in six months so the cane and limp were new to her. She inquired and I explained the pricy surgery coming up. She was shocked at the cost and how little of it my health insurance covered. We talked about some other things and then it was my turn.

Five shots of Novocain later, I was a drooling fool but it was over (no photos of this...you understand). The impressions were taken and the temporary crown was put on.

Remember how I said around New Year's that I was going to acknowledge when something good happened to me rather than just whining about the bad things? Well, I still don't do it enough, but this is one of those times.

When I walked over to the receptionist to pay, she asked if I had dental insurance and I said unfortunately not. She then wrote a website on a post-it and whispered to me to go online and apply for this insurance.

Gifts come in various forms...like a simple little Post-It!

"Don't tell the Dr. I gave you this number". Continuing, she said that if I signed up immediately, it would reduce the cost by at least 40-50%!!! Well, push me over with a feather! I thanked her profusely and signed up the minute I got back to my home computer.

For about $12 per month I now have dental insurance! How amazing is that? What a kind person! She didn't have to do that!! What a gift!! In my case it really is, since I have several other very old amalgam fillings that are living on borrowed time at this point.

So here's the "crowning glory" as it were in all it's less than sartorial splendor. Oh, and with the gift of insurance, it "only" cost $645.00...what a difference, huh? Miracles sparkle everywhere, you just have to be open to allowing them in.

The pricy little crown is third from the right. Sorry, color's wonky.

Flats and Wonders Post

Wrote this entry and then totally forgot to post it because I didn't title it. But it's a good little story. When I have these encounters with "grace" I feel it's important to write about them since they remind me that "good stuff" does happen. For me, that's important considering how 2012 is going so far...but that's a subject for another day. So here goes:

It's a really good thing that I can laugh. Back on February 3, I was at my auto mechanic's shop bright and early. It's only 10 min. away, but at 8:45 in the morning it took 25 minutes to get there. Gotta love L.A. traffic! The appointment was to have him check the air conditioning unit, since it was blowing warmer air than the outside temperature.

Normally if my car goes in, I rent a car, but since I'm pinching pennies, no rental for me this time. In preparation for my three to six plus hour visit/stay, I'd made a sandwich, filled a water bottle, had a pillow for my knee, also my phone, camera, a book and even a letter to write if I got tired of reading (I had an iPod but it died). Yes, I take the Girl Scout motto to heart:  Be Prepared. I was quite pleased with myself and all set to "camp out" in the waiting area.

Well...almost. In the course of loading up the car I managed to forget one rather important item...my purse. Of course I didn't realize this till I was at the shop. Hmmm.... What to do? As I was talking to the owner and rescheduling, his assistant noticed a screw in my front tire...it was almost flat. Thus the day's schedule was completely thrown out the window. Fortunately, there was a tire shop a few blocks away.

Can't recall if I mentioned this, but when I was at the health clinic on January 7 for my MRI report, I left the clinic to find my left front tire was flat. Okay, that turned into a three day project which is too involved and annoying to go into.

The bottom line is, AAA eventually changed the flat for the full sized spare in the trunk. The January flat was also due to a screw but I hadn't fixed it yet, thus both the "new" flat and the "old" one were kaput. The tire salesman said I was probably looking at two new tires since the holes were right near the side wall. (Note:  for those with no auto experience [lucky you], one can fix a hole in the tread [flat] area of the tire but not in the side walls.)

While sitting in the tire showroom waiting, I realized I couldn't even read my book because my reading glasses were in my purse, which was at home! I ask you, could the day get any more twisted?

Thank goodness, no! It actually got better! To my complete delight they squeezed me in between other appointments and fixed both tires! And for free! Alrighty, things are looking up. Remember, I still had no purse or money. (Mental note:  Squirrel some cash somewhere in the car, just in case.)

Being pooped from the morning's stress adventures, I opted to go home vs. errands. While icing my knee, I called AAA and found out I could go online, fill out and print the form for a temporary handicap placard for my car!

It gets better...the form had to be the original, not a copy or fax. Since I had nothing to do with the rest of my day, I called up the health clinic and asked if I could bring the paperwork over and leave it for the doctor to sign. Why YES, I could! Superlative!

Upon arrival they actually squeezed me in and the doctor filled the forms out so I didn't have to make a second trip back to pick them up!

It gets even better, if you can believe it!

There was still time to drive the paperwork over to my local AAA office. Twenty minutes later I left with my very own temporary handicap sign and printed authorization. Now I ask you, is that not simply  miraculous? No standing in line at the Deptartment of Motor Vehicles, no waiting, just "poof", and I received a wonderful gift!

Granted, to some it may not be a big deal but in my case, it grants me a little more walking time on the knee when I'm out by saving me a few steps...in some cases, a lot of steps!!

It amazes me when one gives up the fighting and resistance to things they can't change.... Something just shifts, literally shifts and wonders actually happen, I don't know how else to describe or explain it!

I should note that the cynical part of me is dismissing the whole idea of grace and "The Presence of Miracles", while the childlike part of me just stares in wonder at how this "seems" to work. Reminds me of Shakespeare's "Hamlet":

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,

   Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

"William Shakespeare, "Hamlet", Act 1 scene 5

P.S. It actually continued to get better if you can believe it...while at the clinic one of the ladies began helping me with information on getting assistance and possibly disability. While we talked we both forgot that I hadn't paid. I left with the bill in hand, lol! When I got home I remembered to call them, canceling next week's appointment. Found I was talking to the same person who helped me and she told me about the payment problem. I apologized and offered to drop a check in the mail immediately. Okay, are you ready for this? "No problem, you can pay the next time you come in"! Trust! A rare kindness in today's world! Maybe one of the elements of "grace" is that it gives you a new perspective...hmmm.

Facing the Chimera and Winning...for Now... Post

Note:  Edited on 1/29/12 due to blathering.

Good grief I can write long posts! Of course that doesn't deter me from continuing on in the same lengthy fashion apparently...just a little warning...this is another long one.

After reading my last post, I still wasn't happy with what I wrote. Still too much ranting and fighting at  things I can't change. So I found myself reading my own post (Lol!) on miracles and letting go. When I wrote the "Special End Post", I still hadn't stopped trying to push away the fear.

I think there are two kinds of "fighting" in life, the kind where you rant, rave and shake your fist at the sky. Then there's the kind where you sit down, relax and realize that within a certain period of time all of what you are facing will be resolved. The later does not imply "giving in", being a martyr or a doormat, it simply means you see a problem in your path and realize that by not wasting energy fighting against a ghost, you allow simply allow it to sit there, looking at you and you, at it. You know in the end that you will overcome it.

Rather than ranting at thin air, you simply acknowledge it's existence and thus diffuse it of all power over you. That's the point at which you've won. No, you haven't won the battle you may face, but you now have the power to proceed not as the victim, rather as one who is aware of a chimera and looks through the fear it attempts to cast on you and control you with. Thus you sap it's power, you defeat it. This is not to say the path will be easy, but you will be the one taking each step forward, not running in hopes of hiding from it.

Conquering any difficulty always gives one a secret joy,

for it means pushing back a boundary line

and adding to one's liberty.

Henri Frederic Amiel

I suppose I should fill you in on what I'm talking about in metaphors.

Okay, here goes...for a while my left knee has periodically caused me pain. In the last 8 months it has gotten worse and affected my day-to-day life. Finally, the doctor at the low cost clinic, ordered an MRI. The first Saturday in Jan. I saw the rheumatologist again, this time for the test results. He was quite frank and said three things:  "you shouldn't be able to walk", "you should be in a wheel chair" and "you need a complete knee replacement".

Let's just take a look at that special "bedside manner" shall we? (Author's note:  read that last statement with dripping sarcasm.) I'll let you fill in the rest.

My options are limited. (This is the section that was edited for too much babbling.)   :)

I joked to a friend (remember, I try to find humor) that if and when I go to the hospital, I'll have to write "this knee" and "not this knee" on my legs just to be safe. She said they actually do make you do that!!!!! That's just plain scary!

Okay, the chimera of fear I spoke of was in control as I contemplated my choices. Meanwhile, attempts to go out for the simplest things like food became an ordeal, often leaving me in a sad pile, once I got back into the car. Yes, pity party galore.

So that's it in a rather large nutshell. Now you know why I couldn't write. I would have just blathered and quacked on for days and it wouldn't have been pretty (I think this was bad enough!).

Looking back, I guess what I did on my little sabbatical was to re-screw my head on. In past posts I wrote about the ten-plus years of losses. Here was the latest "thing" to plop into my lap. Basically kind of a metaphorical boulder and it required some re-tuning of the psyche. (I really thought the losses had finally come to an end, but I was wrong, I know I have a quote somewhere that encapsulates that perfectly.)

Anyhow...while away, I once again just surrendered it all. No amount of worry will help in any way. I know the facts and fretting can't change them. A soft peace enveloped me, kind of like a well-worn quilt. No, I'm not thrilled about this and nothing is solved. I simply decided to go step by limping step (you can laugh here). First, I'll be getting a second opinion and possibly third opinion, using doctors in my health plan. I'm also going to sign up to be seen at County, I heard the wait list is very long (six to eight months).

Since that's all that can be done at the moment, I'm going to go about my daily business and not worry.

So there you have it. I won't "go gentle into that good night" but I'm not going to rage at phantoms of fear and the unknown. I started a limited bit of exercise. Doing leg lifts as instructed years ago by an ortho doctor, and several things to strengthen the arms and back. Nothing strenuous, just a small commitment to myself. There are a few other things I noted that would improve my general happiness so I've added them to the list.

Among them, will be to continue to write this blog. Including what challenges I face as I progress through this chapter of life. Who knows, maybe someone will learn something (I know I sure will) that will help them in a similar circumstance which would be great. Even if that doesn't happen, I will not just crawl back into bed and carry on with my own little pity party (well, there may be a small detour there, now and then but I think my current mind-set will help limit that).

I can be changed by what happens to me.

But I refuse to be reduced by it.

Maya Angelou

In closing, I want to thank you if you got this far! You are indeed a brave soul! I think what "rage against the dying of the light" means to me is to live out loud and this blog is my way of doing that. It was, after all, my way of getting through life and all its sorrows and joys when I began it. Over the last few years I've changed as have my posts but I still write primarily for me. If anyone finds something worth reading, that's the icing on the cake as I've said in the past. The people and friends I meet along the way are the cherries and candles that dot the top and help me celebrate the whole crazy thing and I thank and treasure them for it!!!

Every person passing through this life

will unknowingly leave something and

take something away.

Most of this “something” cannot be seen or heard or

numbered or scientifically detected or counted.

It’s what we leave in the minds of other people

and what they leave in ours.

Memory. 

The census doesn’t count it.
Nothing counts without it.

Robert Fulghum

The Presence of Miracles Post

Was having a bit of a hard time today. Even though my knee looks like a basketball, I tackled cleaning out the fridge, freezer and vegetable bin. Was quite proud of myself. 

In the interest of being more positive, I'm stopping at this point. Let's just call it garbage can problem-week three. I'd accomplished something I've wanted to do for some time which was to clean out the freezer, something I haven't done for over two years. It had become the great wall of icy unknowns. The rest goes sort of downhill after that, but as I said, we won't go there today.

Funny, after a little meltdown and pity party, it dawned on me as I wrote this, that it will all work out in the end. Why get all worked up over something I have no control over? 

This is an amazing realization for me. You know how "you can know something" but until you internalize it, the meaning stays "on the surface" so to speak? (Does that make any sense?) Well, I had finally unconsciously embraced the meaning of my dad's words after many years.

In the past I would have been having hissy-fits, which in the end only hurt me and for what purpose? It wouldn't have made me happier. Life happens. Just go with it. Somehow, a month or so from now, it will all be resolved so why fight it? 

This thought took me down memory lane...back to when my father was alive. I loved talking to him about business. He was so brilliant and had experienced so much in his life. Once I called him in the late 80's when I was having a horrid time at work. We talked about solutions and how to look at things. He used stories from his life to illustrate how experience taught him what he was relaying to me.

I loved his stories. He told me to have a picture in my mind of a month or two or three down the road when it was all over. It wasn't an eternity. No matter what I faced in the present, he said to keep that vision in mind because by then, the problems would most likely be resolved. It wasn't easy to do but he was right.

It's something I've tried to remember throughout my life, not always successfully. At least, not until today. Once I'd calmed down and accepted the problem, I called the property manager, explained the gardeners used both cans so I had nowhere to put the trash and it had been like this for three weeks. She said she'd take care of it. 

You'll recall P and A who live in the back house? Because of my knee problem, P's been kind enough to take the cans out to the curb for me over the last few months. I called and left him a message not to bother, that the problem would be solved. In spite of that, he managed to jam several bags into the loaded cans and was rolling them out. 

Seeing this, I ran (more like hobbled) out to tell him not to worry about it and he told me not to worry about it! The cans went out to the curb and he took the bags he couldn't fit in, back to their own garbage bin. I was stunned and thanked him profusely. 

As a result of letting go, a wonderful little blessing dropped into my lap. If I were a church going soul, this is what I would say qualifies for the monicker "let go and let God". But even though I'm not, I think it illustrates the quality of grace.

When you let grace into your life and try to extend it to others, wondrous things can happen... we just need to stay in a place of quiet acceptance in order to see these marvels, thus allowing them to manifest.

When you give up trying to fight and control life, all on your own, it just magically becomes easier. When we fight life, we miss all the invisible grace that surrounds us on this earth. Maybe that's what's meant by surrendering the ego. 

By acknowledging that we're vulnerable and can't do it all, we're embracing the concept of grace which allows a certain serenity to surround us. When we fight things with an attitude of "I can do it all myself" we block grace and keep it from entering our lives.

I have no idea where all of this came from today, but this evening I feel so much better not having put myself through the ringer of anger.  Miracles are around us every second of every day, just waiting to be seen, waiting to be allowed "in". This year, regardless of your religious or non-religious beliefs, let them find you. They're waiting.

There are two ways to live,

you can live as if nothing is a miracle 

or you can live as if everything is a miracle. 

Albert Einstein

Merry Christmas Post

This is a very odd weekend. Even though I'm telling myself that "Christmas" is going to last till New Year's, it just seems very hollow. This a long post, but please bear with me, there is a point (realization on my part) to it, I promise.

Yesterday I was smoked in my own house. Even had a whole rant post written about it. The people who live in what I'm now calling "the tree butcher's house" (even though he doesn't own it or live there) once again had a party but instead of the two guys who brought the giant grill for their last party and positioned it ten feet from my bedroom window, this time they brought a huge black barrel smoker with them. Again, set away from their house and close to mine.

We all know my thoughts on the exceedingly poor insulation/weatherstripping in this rental and soon it was filled with smoke. This continued for five hours. I finally tossed my jacket on (which I really didn't need) and walked over there. Door opened and I said hello only to be greeted with a blank stare, actually over a dozen blank stares, no hellos. Okay, fine. So I explained that my house was full of smoke which triggered my asthma and wondered how much longer the smoker would be going.

All I got was "hour" and "fish". Sighing, I rolled my eyes and I walked away.

The next "treat" was the major floodlights on the house behind me going on that evening. No big deal since they're on a motion sensor. Problem was, they never went off...all night. My bedroom was illuminated. Impossible to sleep. I was beside myself. Wound up staying up and watching DVD's on the computer.

Finally went to bed at 7 a.m.

I don't think I've mentioned that this rental sits on "siren alley". Yes, this is the street used by all police, fire, ambulances etc. because it has 4-way stop signs the full length of it, making it safer for emergency vehicles.

At 11 a.m. in the depths of sleep I was woken by the sirens of five vehicles. They ended somewhere nearby but I didn't look out. Finally just gave up on sleep and got up. I decided to call the people behind me to wish them Merry Christmas and ask about the spot lights. Turns out she was having a major panic attack.

Needless to say I felt lower than dirt but I also felt very blessed. One of my favorite sayings has always been "there but for grace go I". It's from the bible I believe and since I'm not a religious person, I've edited it...but you get the idea. That ambulance could have been for me. I had goose bumps.

So the point of this whole post is that we should "chill" a little more, take a deep breath and count our blessings because there's probably a whole lot more of those than problems. I'm very fortunate to have my health, a roof over my head, a car that runs and a friend or two.

In the coming year, I need to be more thankful and less petty, calmer and less quick to anger. I need to remember that I am not the only person on this planet and that I may never know the troubles of another. I must remember to give them their inch of grace. It costs me so little to do so.

With these thoughts the novel by Hemingway, For Whom the Bell Tolls came to mind. Off to Wikipedia I went and found my way to John Donne's work, specifically Meditation #17 from Devotions upon Emergent Occasions (1623). It's fairly religious, so I'll let you check it out yourself, just delete or substitute the references that aren't part of your belief system. But please do read it for it's well worth the bit of time in your day. The essence of the piece is universal and gives one pause.

And that brings me to my Christmas message for you. It's universal and crosses all religious boundaries (IMHO):

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings


by Cole Porter

I'll leave you with this beautiful video of Diana Krall singing this song at the piano amidst glowing candles.

Merry Christmas my friends and thank you for reading.

Re-thinking My Re-Thinking Post

This morning I got to thinking (or rather re-thinking) my "to-do" list for the next two weeks. Christmas Eve and Day don't have to turn into the be-all of the holiday anymore. Heck, I can drag it out all the way to New Year's! My own re-invented version of the season. ;)

So I down-sized my shopping list since I was a bit apprehensive about how long my knee would last and decided to make my ham shank affair sometime between Dec. 25 and Jan. 1. I'll probably make a no-brainer comfort food like Chicken and Dumplings, for Christmas to eliminate my stress. It's such an easy recipe.

Funny, this blog has helped me see how carried away I can get with ideas to comfort myself through the holiday...mainly food oriented. What happens is that I go overboard and wind up overwhelming myself to the point of doing nothing. Just a lot of energy and stress to no end. This is then followed by guilt. I'm only entertaining me :)  for heaven's sake. And while I deserve it, it shouldn't exhaust and depress me. Kind of defeats the purpose.

So, as I said in an earlier post, simplifying. Maybe one special nosh every other day. Frankly, I get so much happiness from writing these posts knowing I have a family of sorts around the globe that reads them, that I'd rather hit the keyboard than try to re-create the holidays of past. Holidays that now only live in my memories.

If I feel energetic enough, maybe I'll clear a portion of my desk and drag out my 4-in-1-printer. It's an HP. Why I bought that brand I'll never know, but it was a good price at the time. Sadly HP inks are not as stable as Epson Dura-bright ink (my printer of choice for the last umpteen years) and will smear at the slightest touch of moisture, like your finger. But maybe it'll scan nicely. Then I'll print out whatever on my Epson.

Once I figure the scanner out, I'll start uploading some of my old family photos. Also need to sign up with a service that backs up my computer once a day. After losing so much this summer, I really should. But we'll see how it goes.

I wrote yesterday that I'd try to take some pictures while I'm out, but don't know what I'll find. It's not the eerie "Twilight" type of gloom, with fog, woods and trees covered in moss and bracken. Just boring grey.

Mr. Blue and I had a most excellent game of tug-of-war with Rocky Raccoon, his unstuffed "roadkill" toy. So now the little dear, after spending some time under my chair here, has retired to his little red bed. He's such a sweetie.

Last night before I went to bed I noticed Laurie Eno over at the Daily Corgi blog had a post on "herding Corgis" which was very interesting. Showed a whole 'nother side of this tenacious little breed. You should give it a look, there are two short videos. It always amazes me that such a short little dog was the result of breeding for the purpose of herding cattle in Wales. Cattle are huge by comparison!

P.S. After taking the trash out, I was so pooped that I decided to forage in the garage pantry and freezer for dinner rather than go out. I am soooo out of shape! Once back in the house, I pulled out the South Beach Diet book which I will be reviving after the holidays.

I figure that if I drop about 15 pounds, it'll be less stress on my knee making it easier to exercise. At a certain point in life, you just learn that diet alone won't be enough, working out is needed. I'm just too young to feel this ancient.

P.P.S. No new photos unless I take some of my backyard and there's nothing new there. It just looks more pathetic in the gloomy light. Oh, for a little fog.

Quiet Note Post

On a quiet note, I'd like to share three links with you. I hope you'll go visit them.

First is Corey Amaro's blog Tongue in Cheek. On her flight home from visiting family in California, her cousin suffered a pulmonary embolism and slipped into a coma. This is her latest post and my heart goes out to her.

Second, a commenter on her post today, shared this moving piece of music, I hope you enjoy it.

May you be surrounded by peace and love today. Find joy in every second you have with loved ones, life is so fragile and can vanish in a blink. The permanency of it can hit you harder than you ever imagined. Take nothing for granted. Share a smile with someone you don't know today.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the Present.

Love and Kisses Post

I can barely breathe...

...once again, she came out of nowhere and leapt upon me 

and my soul, just as she did two years ago, almost seconds of when she was actually passing. The thought hit me in just the same way...like she'd jumped upon my chest...all 70+ pounds of her...bam! I remember laying by her side that night, on the patio; she in her bed, I on the concrete. Who cared? She'd already pretty much left this world, but said "hi" on the way up. I'll never forget that experience, that gift of grace...to be there with her on her journey's beginning.

She is here tonight in my very being. Hard to describe. But I know the feeling so well. It was one I'd never had with my other five Siberians. She was and is my angel and guardian. I'm so amazed at this stunning "happening"...really don't know what else to call it! She came to remind me she loved me as much as I loved and missed her. 

Alpine in her sled harness, Big Bear and Snow Squinties 

My beloved Alpine...rest in peace. I love you. See you on the "other" side my love. 

Love and kisses, your mommy,

Christine

xoxoxox

Note:  For the record, because of such a horrid divorce and threats to the three Siberians by my now ex husband, I'd changed all their names on this blog. 

Frost is really Alpine, love of my life and guardian of my soul.

Literally...I am still so amazed, I can barely breathe! What a gift! Thank you Alpine!

Odd......tonight, once again, an ill wind blows......
....a really nasty and unusual wind, as in 2009......very strange........

There's so much energy in this world that we have yet to understand.

The "Gift" Post

As I said in many previous entries, I try very hard to be positive, not to whine and moan on this blog. Everyone has their own problems and don't need to be dragged down by someone's blog. Most people frequent blogs to forget their own difficulties and trials.

But sometimes one just can't don that suit of armor. Moments when we're weak and fall. So, I'll ask for your forgiveness now and advise you to just skip the rest of today's post. You'll be better off. It's just something I have to do for me. Kind of like sending a little white dove with a ribbon-tied note on its leg, up into flight and to the heavens, hoping someone "up there" is listening and will send peace to my soul.

It appears I'm still rattled from the blood draw. I'd call myself a "big old baby" in disgust, but then I recall that I need to give myself grace in dealing with whatever it is that's bothering me. This holiday the loneliness is magnified for some reason. Previous holidays brought tears, but so far nothing, just deep  sadness.

I've spent the holidays alone for five years and made it through more or less fine. This is number six. So why is this different? I tried to muscle through it, just for me, but I'm faltering. Maybe, because the divorce settlement, such as it was, closed the final doors on our marriage and the life I knew for so long. There's nothing left to do, to "work" at. This year there's an extra sense of aloneness, of emptiness.

If you've read and endured my post thus far, may I suggest you call or email "friends" and family you haven't contacted in ages, especially if you know they'll be alone. Just say "hi", no promises or commitments. It may be the only thing that holds their sanity together during the holidays...knowing that someone thought of them and cared enough to tell them. In this busy world, so much flies right by, our lives simply become a bunch of sound-bites...there's overwhelming isolation...be the one to make a difference.

The gift of grace and with it, magic...so easy to give. It requires so little effort and the payoff is immense even if you'll never know it. Thank you to anyone who's read down to this point, your time and the gift it bestows on me is priceless. May this holiday season bring you joys untold, give you fond memories you won't forget and a deep peace in your heart.

Holiday Crazies Post

Well, I'm off for the second and last day of errands. The little heater that I just purchased at Rite Aid doesn't work, so have to go there to return it. Next over to Home Depot to get a new one. I called ahead to make sure they had exactly what I wanted and voila! There are 62 of them in stock and theirs are $6 less expensive.

Next, Ralph's grocery for a few things that Stater's surprisingly didn't have when I was there Monday. This will be followed by Trader Joe's, Pavilion's (again, just a couple of things) and somewhere in there, also the cleaners and bank.

On Monday at Stater Brothers, there was a major traffic jam in the store, between the meat counter and the frozen turkeys across the aisle. Literally. And no one was going to give an inch or back up so anyone could get through! It was hysterical!

At this time of year, a crazed fever comes over people, like the stores are going to run out of food or something. It was clear there were plenty of birds, both frozen and fresh but it didn't matter. I had the perfect mindset for dealing with the insanity. I just chuckled to myself and couldn't help but smile at all the serious scowling faces, so fearful of not getting a turkey or ham. There was muttering here and there about how someone heard of a friend who didn't get one last year. All I could do was roll my eyes, such sillies.

That's one thing I've noticed about myself since the divorce, I'm calmer, I smile more, laugh more easily and don't sweat the little things...well, at least not most of the time. As I drove home last night, I noticed I felt no need to zip in and out of traffic like I used to. If someone wanted to cut in front of me, fine, be my guest. It's just funny.

This feeling of peace and humor is something I've been slowly noticing of late. It hasn't been around for a long time and I'm so grateful for it. I'm not perfect at it and I may not have a lot, but it's okay. Somehow, it's better. I think writing for this blog helps. As I said in an earlier post, I think about what I'm saying and how it's negative or positive.

Grey House Journal is a wonderful little outlet for my soul and the fact that people all over the world stop by to take a look still blows me away. Today there were 24 visitors from Slovenia...Hi Slovenia! I hope you have a happy day. It's the comments too that warm the cockles of my heart. To think that people would pause from their day to read what I wrote...truly amazes me.

Early Morning Magic Post

Was up earlier than normal today. Glancing out the East facing kitchen window and saw something I'd never seen. Ever. Since it rained yesterday, everything is soaking wet. Out in the parkway, I saw what looked like smoke coming out of an empty, parked car. As I looked harder, I realized it wasn't smoke, it was steam coming off the trunk of a tree as the rising sun warmed it. An amazing sight! There's so much grace and magic in this world if we just take the time to really look!

I'll write more a bit later, need to crawl back under the covers right now, I'm freezing! Would kill for an espresso right now!

Wonderment Post

I finally fell asleep somewhere around 3 this morning. Not a satisfying sleep and I woke up with painful joints. Not a usual occurrence, must be the weather. Since sleep left me at about 7 a.m., I decided to get up. Looked through recipes to find something to make for dinner.

Started feeling kind of sickish after a bit, so I decided to lay down. Big mistake. Remember when I wrote about how I get very nasty dreams if I fall asleep before four or five in the afternoon? It was 12:30. I fell into a deep R.E.M. sleep. In retrospect, really big mistake.

I'm still "controlled" by doltoid in my nightmares. I'm actually still trapped going places with him, where he then abandons me while he goes off with either friends or other women. I'm left on my own with no money, usually with no transportation either.

In this one...well, I was going to recount it, but thought better of it, since it would just re-hash the negativity. Instead I'll tell you about what happened just after I forced myself awake. A moment of grace visited to soothe my wounded soul.

You see, in the last month or so, I've heard the loveliest soft chirping outside my bedroom window every few days. It sounds so close, almost like a little bird was perched on the window air conditioner. I heard it again and lifted a slat on the mini blinds to find the sweetest little bird.

It was a beautiful, tiny thing, clothed in charcoal grey feathers with a yellow patch on it's throat. So precious, it graced me by spending a few seconds. Would have liked to grab my camera to capture the moment, but knew this wasn't going to last. I stayed in the moment. We looked eye to eye and it made all the difference. A gift of grace was given to me and I stayed there frozen in wonderment.

"Brace for Impact" Post

Photo from Wikipedia.

Yesterday, while checking my email, I came across a short (less than 5 minutes) video on "Ted Talks, Ideas Worth Spreading" at Hulu. Remember the disabled US Airways plane that was landed safely in the Hudson River on Jan. 15, 2009, captained by Chesley Sullenberger (Sully) saving everyone on board? Well, this video is from one of the passengers and I found it very moving. 

It's titled "3 Things I Learned While My Plane Crashed" by Ric Elias . It reiterates what really matters, what's really important in life. It's the stuff we've all heard and read about before but the urgency of his unique perspective is so eloquently spoken...so moving. I've bookmarked it and plan to view it every few days. Gives one pause from the constant frenzy we've come to know as life. I hope you'll enjoy it!

"It all changes in an instant. Don't postpone anything. Choose to be happy."

Thank You

Hello...I don't know what to say but some dear person has linked me to a Typepad source. I have utterly NO clue how this works, but if anyone could enlighten me, it'd be great! And so here we are.

I have a lot of people visiting my blog from Latvia, Ukraine, Slovenia, Germany and Russia, as well as the U.S., each day. I want to thank each person who's viewed my blog!! Truly, thank you!! Really...because I write it for myself only. If it gives anyone out there joy, happiness, understanding, peace and so on, then I'm really happy.

So this is just a short little post of thank you to all of you!

With love,

Christine

One Simple Post...an Encore

A very late-night post.... As I've said in the past, I rarely look at the "stats" for this journal. However, I did yesterday and noticed that one post had the greatest number of views:  "One Simple Post" from April 9, 2011 had the most. I went back and viewed K.D.Lang's performance of "Hallelujah" and simply "melted".

That dear soul has soooooo much talent, grace and spirit. Leonard Cohen did a wonderful job creating this beautiful piece of music, but K.D. just nails it. Whenever I'm troubled, I just pop over and view it. Listening to her soul-stirring rendition just soothes my soul and gives me peace. It is soooo utterly beautiful...which is why I'm re-posting it here... sheerly for your enjoyment if you missed the previous post.

Thank you to all of you who stop in to check on my little blog, it means a LOT to me! Sleep well tonight!

P.S. Still haven't heard from my little brother and his family on the East Coast, please send good thoughts that way and to all who endured "Irene". Thank you so very, very much!

Wedding Anniversary Post

Yes, I was going to talk about tomatoes today but yesterday was my wedding anniversary. I was married many years ago. The date kind of took me by surprise.

I married a man who went into a mid-life crisis and never came out. Now I'm divorced and alone, while he moved in with a girlfriend named Sheryl E. Mind you, not some young bimbo, but a woman who looks a great deal like me and is a year older than him (thank you social networks, for giving fools a place to post their faces). They were dating (read: having sex) even while he and I were still married and trying to get divorced.

I don't know how some people can live with themselves. Really. Guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.

Tonight I'll be opening a bottle of champagne and toasting to my survival and endurance. My independence and finally being rid of him. I'll be celebrating the end of unhappiness...because being happy in this life...it is the most important thing.

P.S. Please forgive the lack of photos but since I'm just testing this computer out, I don't want to save anything to the hard drive and haven't had a chance to check out an online storage sites such as Flickr or any of the others. Any suggestions?

Tomatoes will be tomorrow and possibly photos of the street's block party.

One Simple Post

Yeah, once again I'm WIDE AWAKE! I just detest this. To add to that, the temperature tonight is about 40F (4.444C) which for Southern California is quite cold. If I haven't mentioned this before, very, very, very few houses/buildings in So Cal are insulated. Yes, of late, they're built to earthquake standards (such as they are/were prior to the recent EQ in Japan). But insulation? No. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Having lived in the northern Midwest and northern New York, I know what the difference is and it's not pleasant or economical, but try to convince your landlord of this. So tonight I have a fleece blanket, a quilt and another quilt piled upon the bed in hopes of sleeping (note:  beta blockers which I take for high blood pressure {just ask me about the 5 year long divorce and the toll it's taken} slow down the heart and therefore circulation, meaning that my feet and hands get very cold at night). I will be wearing wool socks, a hat I knit as well as a set of fingerless gloves that are a true life saver in the sense of being able to fall asleep.

As I write this, I feel guilty for my feelings since so very, very many people are trying to sleep with so much less. I am lost at how to help. I am so close, due to the divorce, to living in my 11 year old car and not a house of any form, that I can't even think. I will loose my ability to pay for health insurance and therefore will not be able to renew my prescriptions at the end of this month. So my hypothyroidism will put me to sleep and my blood pressure will skyrocket and my depression will no longer be at arm's length. What fun. (Note:  that was sarcasm.)

Fortunately, while I still have electricity and the internet, I checked one of my favorite blogs and she had several links. One stood out and took me by the hand and I listened to it over and over and finally found sleep. More on the history behind the songwriter tomorrow.

The way that things, experiences and events circle about us and in our lives is utterly astounding to me. As the saying goes, "what goes around, comes around"...in so very many ways. It restores my faith in the plan above the plan.

Grace

While the tragedy in Japan consumes us all and worries of nuclear disaster haunt our daily lives, I think we need to think of hope, of spring, of all the giving, caring individuals who are contributing to the recovery in that country (monumental as it is).

When such devastating tragedy strikes us all in such a global world, I think each of us needs to take a small break and stop, just to be grateful for what we have. So much of our everyday lives pale in comparison.

So today, smile at strangers on the street and in the market, call friends you haven't spoken with for a while, drop a letter or email letting them know you care and are thinking of them. So often our lives go rushing forward without reflection. What have we lost because of that?

There is an internal peace that comes with reflection. It's part of the reason I started this blog though I don't often talk about it. Reflection gives us a quiet peace obtained no where else. It can keep us sane in the face of calamity. It can envelope us in grace and protect our fragile spirits.

I would challenge anyone to contradict the blessing of reflection because it means they have not become aware of how much is available to us from the universe. There are healing powers all around us if we only open our eyes and observe. But  it does involve a specific step on one's part...to believe in the gift of grace. Grace is the most magical of things in this life.

Without Warning

Living in California, one learns to coexist with the knowledge that any second an earthquake may hit. It's knowledge that we tend to shove to the back of our consciousness. If we didn't, we'd all be worried wrecks. I've felt several large quakes (nothing above a 7 though) and to say the very least, they are utterly unnerving. When I lived in the Midwest, there was the threat of tornados. Tornados however, come with some warning and you can at least escape them to some degree by taking refuge in the southeast (I think that's right, it's been a while) corner of your basement.

Earthquakes have no warning signs. You can't escape them. Your whole world just shakes. Walking is impossible. I've been fortunate to ride out 2 of them while in bed, which in my opinion is the best place to be when one hits. I remember the Northridge quake; I was getting ready for work. I was applying lipstick just as it hit...you can imagine the resulting smoodge across my cheek. As the shaking continued, I realized I was in my stocking feet and my brain said "you can't be shoeless in an earthquake!" Okay, try to put on heels when the house is shaking. All this occurred within seconds. My brain wasn't registering with what was happening in that moment. Suddenly I was on the floor. It had felt like the world's largest bulldozer kept ramming the house over and over.

I cannot even fathom what the earthquake in Japan must have been like at 8.9!!! The level of shock the people must be feeling is unimaginable. Not to mention the overwhelming devastation. I can't send enough prayers and good wishes out to them for their safety and survival. How do you even begin to "dig out" of something that catastrophic?

Happy Valentine's Day!

Yes, it's that time of the year when the greeting card companies, florists, jewelry stores and candy makers try to promote the need to buy an array of things to prove your love to someone. On one hand it can be looked at with a very jaded eye. It can cause panic in young or new romances. Singles often feel a twinge of envy when they see couples together on this day.

Elizabethtown is one of my favorite movies and I love this quote from it;

"Sadness is easier because it is surrender. I say make time to dance alone with one hand waving free."

I don't find myself in any panic though today and I think it's because I have gotten to "know myself" a lot better and am quite happy with my own company. I mean, no one can value me like me. I don't feel the "need" to please anyone today or live up to what they think I should be. The other thing I've noticed is my appreciation of love other than the romantic kind. Today I'm spending a little more time appreciating the fact that I have friends who love me, a very dear brother (and family), a dear little dog whose eyes twinkle at the sight of me (and vice versa) and the fact that I've survived a lot of crumby stuff. I think these are things that come with getting older. The world becomes clearer, more simplified somehow. There's no high drama to deal with because you start seeing how very short life is.

Wishing you a very happy Valentine's Day, I'll leave you with this thought,

It is only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, that we will begin to live each day to the fullest; as if it were the only one we had.

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross