Aftermath Post

Took care of one of the last things in the divorce process last night and all I can say is some people truly disappoint. I won't go into it other than to say, that the aftermath has once again left me drained and exhausted. I went to bed at 10 last night and slept through till 6:30 p.m. today, finally forcing myself up and out of bed. I seem to have less and less reserve battery power.

I'm starting to really think that I am damaged (see Pity Party Post) and not sure what to do to change or alter the path I'm apparently on. Just don't have the energy for it. 

When this whole thing first began, I still had my store and so I was occupied and in touch with other humans. Now, I've gotten used to sitting in this rental with the blinds closed basically waiting for other people to do what needs to get done in order to get on with my life (like the idiot commissioner taking a month to sign the divorce papers).

Maybe this isolation is magnified by not having a television. It was my last contact with the outside world on a regular basis. 

My outings are solely food-related which seems really pathetic. The problem is that I am still operating on "normal" in one part of my brain where I used to prepare decent meals from scratch (even if just for myself) to non-functional. How can I explain this better? When I'm in the store, I'll see some things that would be a perfect and easy dinner or meal to prepare, so I buy them. Once home, I don't have the energy to follow through with simple food preparations. I talked about this in an earlier post. 

I really have to try to get myself to buy pre-made meals. In the end they're no more expensive than buying the ingredients, having them go bad and then tossing them out. Problem is, I still find myself looking at the price of prepared foods (i.e., coleslaw...$3.99 per pound) and telling myself I could make it better and for less money. The trouble is that I buy into this mentality and get the ingredients but never make the item so I loose money and don't eat.

I know, it sounds so simple to resolve but it's not when your brain is in a land of uncharted thoughts and feelings. Thus, leaving me to wonder if I'm now damaged and how long it will take to heal, if ever.