Tick, Tick, Tick Post

Ticking clock. Waiting. Wondering. These are just a few things flying through my mind lately. You see, our divorce papers were signed on April 29, then filed with the court on May 6. I thought things were moving along. Well, not so fast. Midweek I received more papers that we had to sign and fax in. Sigh. Will it EVER end I wonder? Our court system is so convoluted that it's laughable.

I think I should write an e-book on the mysteries of divorce court in Los Angeles County. There is so much info that would have helped if I'd known it from the beginning. It's information not found anywhere unless you literally "trip" over it as you make your way through the system while essentially blindfolded. Oh, and don't count on your lawyer to clue you in; the less you know about what's going on, the more $$$ in his/her pocket.

So, after four years and 10 months, I wonder what I'll feel when I receive the final papers? This has occupied so much of my waking and sleeping hours, it has sucked the life out of me to the point that I seem to just exist. I don't feel any passion in my life and I don't mean the romantic kind. Rather, something that makes you want to wake up in the morning and work on it because you enjoy it. I wonder if I will have "withdrawal" symptoms? Will the depression lessen or increase?

If I had not initiated contact via email, with the respondent to end this, I am fully confident that it easily could have gone on and on. But at what cost? That was the deciding factor in choosing to end it. I had to or I felt I'd die. I don't mean physically but mentally and emotionally in my heart and soul. The toll had grown too great.

The final outcome isn't just or fair. The respondent is a person who no longer has any ethics; he's certainly not the man I married 30+ years ago. He can lie to my face without blinking or blushing. I guess the popular word to describe him would be narcissistic. But then, I like to think that what goes around, comes around and karma can be a *itch. I will just keep my distance and play my cards close to the vest as the saying goes. It's moments like this when I think of Oscar Wilde's comment and laugh, "Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them so much."

The simplest way to describe how I feel about him, is to ask myself the following:  if I just met him, would I be friends with him and the answer is no. Now, the proverbial "they" say "never say never" so I won't, but at this moment in time I want to recover me and see where my life leads. I've always found that things work out for the best. I'll end this with a few quotes:

"When pain happens to you,
it really happens for you."
Gilda Carle Ph.D.

"As soon as you trust yourself,
you will know how to live."

"Contentment is the only real wealth."
Alfred Nobel



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